Torchwood's Got Talent!
by Gavvy Wolf-Kidd
Summary: What happens when Torchwood decides to take on Britain's Got Talent? TW-BGT cross-over. Rated T for language, and innuendos in Jack's chapter. Please read and review!
1. Ianto

**Torchwood's Got Talent**

**Hi there- me and kaseykc were talking on MSN a couple of minutes ago and this sort of came up in the discussion.**

**So, therefore, I would basically like to thank her for the inspiration.**

**I DO NOT CLAIM RIGHTS TO ANY OF THE TORCHWOOD CHARACTERS OR THE PERSONALITIES ON BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT.**

*Britain's Got Talent credits role and Ant and Dec appear*

Ant: Hello and welcome to the show. Today, we're in Cardiff, standing in front of the Roald Dahl Plass where the Cardiff auditions will be taking _plass_.

Dec: Yes, now let's meet our first contender.

*star wipe to a video of a Welshman who's looking good in a suit*

"Hello, my name is Ianto Jones, and I'm a receptionist for an organisation which is outside the government and beyond the police. I'm basically the 'tea-boy'. Well, my talent can't be called a talent unless you happen to like your hot beverages. Well, I have another talent, but only my boss knows what it is so... I really should not have said that. Erm, well, the reason I want to be on Britain's Got Talent is because my Mam died recently, and she told me that she wanted me to 'get out there and shake of my bashfulness'. And I believe that I can do that via this show."

*cut to Ianto walking on stage holding a tray of coffee*

*Simon Cowell, Amanda Holden and Piers Morgan are looking at him with bored expressions. Simon cocks his head and speaks* "Name"

"Ianto Jones."

Piers: "Talent?"

"Well, it's not really a talent unless you happen to like coffee."

*Ianto hands out the coffee and waits nervously, standing up straight with his hands behind his back as the judges each have some of their coffee*

Piers: Yes.

Amanda: Yes.

Simon: Fuck off and quit wasting our time.

*Ianto starts crying with a mixture of shame and happiness, and runs offstage*

Piers: *quietly* You know, Simon, you didn't have to be so rude to him.

Simon: Why shouldn't I have been? A talent for making coffee _is_ a waste of time. I just can't help but wonder what this 'my-boss-only-knows' talent is. I mean, it has to be better than making coffee.

Amanda: _Brilliant_ coffee, might I add?

Simon: *Gives a disgusted sigh and closes his eyes* NEXT!


	2. Gwen

**Torchwood's Got Talent**

**Hi there- me and kaseykc were talking on MSN a couple of minutes ago and this sort of came up in the discussion.**

**So, therefore, I would basically like to thank her for the inspiration.**

**I DO NOT CLAIM RIGHTS TO ANY OF THE TORCHWOOD CHARACTERS OR THE PERSONALITIES ON BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT.**

***NOTE*: In the conversation, Kasey replaced the letters in the profanities with the *, so I added the real letters back in for this.**

Ant: Emotions are running high here in Cardiff

Dec: Yes, now let's meet our next contender.

*star wipe to a video of a Welsh girl with a pretty big gap in her teeth*

"Hello, my name is Gwen Williams and I'm from Wales. I work for an organisation which deals with some... very odd customers. My talent is strange, mainly because it's something I use all the time but rarely get the chance to perfect. In fact, my husband is the one who calls it a talent, although I fail to see how it is. I hope the judges will like me."

*cut to Gwen walking on stage*

Simon: Name.

"Gwen Williams" *she gives an annoyingly happy smile*

Amanda to Piers: *quietly* I think I hate her for some reason

Piers: *still smiling* I don't think you're the only one, judging by Simon's glare.

Simon: Now, what exactly _is_ your talent, Mrs. Williams?

"Well, my talent is really weird, because you see, I can talk anyone into doing what I think is best. Like, I'm the heart of my company because I have a sense of morality."

Piers - "Morality... okay.... not exactly what I'd call a talent. Your smile on the other hand..."

*Rhys appears on the edge of the stage* "Oi! That's my wife you're talking to mate... keep it in your pants!!"

*Giggles and looks at Simon* "That's Rhys. My husband. He's basically a whole other talent in himself."

Simon: "Just get on with it Mrs Williams. We haven't got all day..."

"Aww, Simon. You're such a doll, you know that? I love how you're so honest with everyone you meet. I honestly admire that!"

Simon: "Listen you stupid Welsh-bitch! Just show us your talent and then fuck off okay?"

"I am showing my talent! By the way, your trousers are a little high. Don't you find that a little... restricting on your... *quietly* manhood?"

*Amanda laughs while Piers grins like a Cheshire cat with cream. Simon chokes on the sip of coffee he's just taken*

Simon: Okay I've made my decision... NO, NO, NO and NO!

Amanda: Yes, definitely

Piers: What kind of person would I be if I said no to the person who got Simon to blush like _that_? Yes, obviously

"Yay! Thank you... two yeses means I'm through, right?"

Piers: Yes you're through Gwen Williams the Simon-silencer!

"YAY!"

*Gwen runs off stage and hugs Rhys*

Meanwhile...

Simon: *leans his head back, closes and rubs his eyes* You utter, _utter_ GITS!

Piers: Oh, come on Simon- she's a sweet kid. There's something about her I like.

Amanda: It's the fact that she can do what no one has ever been able to- make you look completely stupid on national television!

Piers: *looks at Amanda* Well said Holden!


	3. Owen

**Torchwood's Got Talent- Owen**

**Hi there- me and kaseykc were talking on MSN a couple of minutes ago and this sort of came up in the discussion.**

**So, therefore, I would basically like to thank her for the inspiration.**

**I DO NOT CLAIM RIGHTS TO ANY OF THE TORCHWOOD CHARACTERS OR THE PERSONALITIES ON BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT.**

*screen fills with a rather pale man with dead eyes*

"Hello, my name is Owen Harper... and I'm a dead medic for the company where the tea-boy and annoyingly happy woman work. When I say dead, I mean that I _literally_ have no pulse. So, yeah, that's my talent- I'm dead and I can withstand any form of arousal."

*Owen walks onstage at the BGT auditions*

Simon: Name

"Owen Harper"

Simon: 'Talent'?

"Resistance to everything."

Simon: Now this I _have_ to see! Amanda- strip!

Amanda: *looks horrified* WHAT?

Simon: *looks at Amanda* Oh, come off it! We all know what goes on in your private life.

Amanda: That doesn't mean I'm going to strip for someone who quite frankly looks like he's just crawled out of the grave!

Piers: Well, now we've covered Amanda's reluctance to strip off for Owen, why not try something else? *Owen throws Piers a gun*

"Shoot me."

Piers: *eyes open wide as he looks at the gun* What?

"Just shoot me."

Piers: *Takes aim at Owen's midsection closes his eyes and shoots*

*Simon and Amanda stare in shock at Owen as he is still standing on the stage with a gigantic hole in his stomach. Piers vomits*

Simon: Well... er, Owen. Oh, my. That certainly is very... impressive, but I just can't see it working. I mean, it _is_ rather unusual, but still... I think it would wear off after the first show. So, I'm going to say no.

Amanda: As much as I hate to, I'll have to agree with Simon. No.

Piers: *wipes vomit from his mouth* No.

"I understand." *Owen calmly walks offstage*

_Behind the scenes..._

"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! NOW I HAVE A GIGANTIC HOLE WHERE MY FUCKING STOMACH SHOULD BE, AND I HAVE ALL THIS DISGUSTING GUNK POURING OUT OF ME AND IT WILL _NEVER_ HEAL! WHY IN _THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS WHATEVER_ DID I COME TO THIS STUPID AUDITION?"


	4. Tosh

**Torchwood's Got Talent**

**Hi there- me and kaseykc were talking on MSN a couple of minutes ago and this sort of came up in the discussion.**

**So, therefore, I would basically like to thank her for the inspiration.**

**I DO NOT CLAIM RIGHTS TO ANY OF THE TORCHWOOD CHARACTERS OR THE PERSONALITIES ON BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT.**

*A Japanese woman carrying a laptop enters the stage and sets the laptop on a fold-out table. She sets up the laptop and turns it on before facing the judges*

"Hello, my name is Toshiko Sato and I'm the ICT expert for an organisation outside of the government, beyond the police."

Simon: Hello Toshiko. What is your talent?

"I'm a professional hacker."

*All of the judges go pale with worry*

Piers: *disbelievingly* Excuse me?

*Tosh starts typing on the laptop and Simon's phone rings*

Simon: *goes pale and his eyes open wide* I could swear that I turned my phone off.

"Take a look at it."

*Simon takes his phone out of his pocket and reads the message. He blushes*

Amanda: Read it out, then!

*Piers discretely looks over Simon's shoulder and reads*

Piers: *holding back laughter* "I think my boss would recommend trouser suspenders"

*Amanda and Piers burst out laughing*

Simon: Toshiko, I think you're an amazing girl, but with your talent it'd be like we're inviting viewers to turn into criminals. I'm saying no.

Piers: You're only saying 'no' because she just embarrassed you about your trousers like Gwen did. I'm saying yes.

Amanda: Toshiko, baby, I would _love_ to say yes, but Simon's right *Simon smiles smugly* it would be like inviting people to become criminals. I'm sure your mum must be proud of your talents with computers but, I'm saying no.

"Okay. Well, good luck with the next audition." *Tosh smiles and giggles knowingly before walking off the stage*

_A couple of minutes later..._

Piers: *looking into the distance* I wonder if she could have gotten all of our phones to play Ride of the Valkyries...

*all of the phones suddenly start to ring to the tune of Ride of the Valkyries*

Amanda: Something tells me she can hear us.

"I sure can."


	5. Jack

**Torchwood's Got Talent**

**Hi there- me and kaseykc were talking on MSN a couple of minutes ago and this sort of came up in the discussion.**

**So, therefore, I would basically like to thank her for the inspiration.**

**I DO NOT CLAIM RIGHTS TO ANY OF THE TORCHWOOD CHARACTERS OR THE PERSONALITIES ON BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT.**

Amanda: What on Earth is that smell? *sniffs the air curiously*

Piers: Hmm, *sniffs* yes, I smell it too. What could it be?

*As a handsome man wearing a shirt with suspenders walks on stage, the smell grows stronger. The judges are oblivious to him*

Amanda: I think it's getting stronger. What could it be?

"Captain Jack Harkness, but call me Jack. Pleasure to meet you gentlemen, milady!" *Jack bows*

*Amanda giggles and Simon breathes 'typical'*

Simon: Right, Mr. Harkness, what's your talent?

"Wouldn't you like to know?" *Jack winks*

Simon: *sarcastically* Erm, yes I would. That way I can write something under "Talent".

"Well, aren't you eager? Although, I don't normally move so fast. I like to romance them, first. You know; wine, dine, walk home, fumble with the keys, an innocent 'accidental' kiss? Standard protocol."

*Amanda and Piers laugh*

Simon: If you're quite finished, Mr. Harkness-

"Call me Jack."

Simon: - Jack, feel free to tell us what your talent actually _is_.

"You can just write down 'being good at what everyone loves'."

Simon: Which is...?

*Jack winks causing Amanda to swoon and Piers to burst out laughing.

"But the way, Mr. Cowell," *Jack puts his hands on his hips and raises and eyebrow* "I strongly recommend that a better way to pull your trousers up is to use suspenders- they are _far_ less cock-crushing."

*Amanda and Piers laugh harder while Simon turns red with anger and humiliation*

Piers: *through chuckles* Oh my... Ha-ha- this is a hat-trick if I ever saw one! Three people have... Hahahaha! ... put Simon to shame all in one day! I'm saying yes.

Amanda: Yes. Can I have your number?

"Sorry- I already have someone. He makes _great_ coffee and gives an excellent blo-"

Simon: I'm saying no.

Piers: Congratulations Jack- you're through to the next round.

"YES!"

Piers: By the way, what _is_ that cologne you're wearing? It smells _amazing_.

"I'm not wearing any- this is how I naturally smell. Oh, and Simon- if you ever want kids, then I'll take you up on those suspenders. I know a great little shop a little way down from here."

*Simon gives Jack a deadly glare*

"I think I'd better go." *Jack runs off the stage*

_Five minutes later..._

Simon: Oh, God- the place still stinks like him!

Piers: Yes, but you can't deny- it's a _great_ stink.


End file.
